The Authenticity Trap
Why reading the room is a lost skill
Isabel is lively and extroverted. The kind of person who lights up a room just by walking into it. She wears fancy jewelry, flashy colours and she exudes a vibrant energy wherever she goes.
You wouldn’t be able to tell the years whe spent doing her people-pleasing healing work. Dimming herself to make others comfortable was a pattern she had carried for decades. But now she had cleared it. She was finally allowing herself to take up space.
So when we were talking about energ work and I said the words “matching the energy of the room,” she looked at me with disgust.
“Not gonna happen. I am not going to dim my light ever again.”
What Isabel didn’t know yet: showing up authentically and expressing yourself authentically are two different things.
When Authenticity IS Performance
You know what I’ve watched happen over fourteen years of teaching energy work?
The people who talk the most about being authentic are often the ones least comfortable with who they actually are when nobody’s watching.
Authenticity has become a badge. A way to signal you’ve done the work.
You’re evolved. You’re not like those “poor souls” still trapped in people-pleasing patterns.
And in that rush to prove you’re no longer performing, you create a new performance. One that says: I will show up the same way every single time, regardless of context, because anything else is spiritual betrayal.
That’s what the self-development world has sold you. Full self-expression at all times equals authenticity. Modulation equals suppression.
The distinction that’s been lost: matching someone’s energy isn’t about their comfort. Reading the room is about your presence.
Showing Up vs. Expressing
There are many ways to express yourself authentically.
You can do it with your clothing, your jewelry, the way you decorate your space. You can do it verbally. You can do it by taking up room.
All of those are valid. All of those can be expressions of who you are.
Matching the energy of the room is a different skill entirely. Reading the room has nothing to do with being a people pleaser or not being yourself.
Being a good person to be with requires reading the room.
Being present is your gift to the world. In the presence, you will observe and you will express. In the presence, you will read the room and know: what does this room need? What can I contribute to the room to make this room better?
That requires more presence. That requires more self-awareness.
People-pleasing comes from fear. You dim yourself because you’re afraid of rejection, afraid of taking up too much space, afraid someone won’t like you if you’re too much.
Reading the room comes from presence. You observe what’s actually happening in front of you, and you decide (consciously) how you want to show up in this specific moment with these specific people.
People-pleasing is reactive. Reading the room is responsive.
People-pleasing shrinks you. Reading the room requires you to be fully there.
What Reading the Room Actually Looks Like
I once spent an entire evening at a Lean In circle, a female leadership networking event that was quite popular in the later 2010’s, saying almost nothing.
The room was full of women who needed to be heard. They’d come from corporate environments where they were talked over, dismissed, interrupted. The energy in the room was asking for space.
So I listened. Fully. Not half-listening while planning what I’d say next. Not waiting for my turn. Actually present with what was being said.
I spoke maybe three times the entire evening.
And afterward, I mean like weeks and months after the event, I’ve had women coming up to me with big smiles and thanks. They remembered me, not because I was loud. But because I was fully there, listening to them. And responding to their energies.
That’s the difference.
The Skill That’s Been Lost
Matching energy means you develop the capacity to sense what’s happening in a room and decide (consciously, deliberately) what this moment needs from you.
Sometimes a room needs your full energy. Sometimes it needs your quiet attention. Sometimes it needs your humor. Sometimes it needs you to hold space without saying a word.
That’s sophisticated relational intelligence. That’s mastery.
The self-development world has confused volume with authenticity. Expression with presence. Taking up space with being fully there.
And in doing so, it’s created a generation of people who believe that modulating their energy is spiritual betrayal.
What You’re Actually Afraid Of
So when Isabel said “that sounds like I have to dim myself again,” here’s what she was really saying:
I’m afraid that if I pay attention to what others need, I’ll lose myself again.
That fear is valid. She had spent decades doing exactly that. Losing herself in other people’s needs, making herself smaller to keep the peace, performing the role of the accommodating woman.
Reading the room asks: Can both exist at the same time?
You can be fully yourself and still observe what’s happening around you. You can take up space and still notice when someone else needs to be heard. You can express yourself authentically and still decide that this particular moment calls for listening instead of speaking.
Presence with discernment.
The Practice
Here’s what I told Isabel:
You do express yourself authentically all the time with your clothing, your jewelry, the way you talk, your laughter and your energy. That’s you showing up as you. Nobody’s asking you to stop wearing color or tone down your style.
When you walk into a room, before you decide how much energy to bring, take thirty seconds to observe.
What’s the energy already there? What are people carrying? What does this space need?
Then decide. Consciously. Willingly.
Not from fear. Not from “I have to make everyone comfortable.”
But from presence. From a mutually beneficial energy.
From: I’m fully here, I’m reading what’s actually happening, and I’m choosing how to contribute.
What This Actually Requires
Reading the room is harder than just showing up the same way every time.
It requires you to be present enough to notice what’s actually happening instead of walking in with a predetermined script of how you’re going to be.
It requires you to trust yourself enough to modulate without losing yourself.
It requires you to know the difference between adjusting your expression and abandoning your essence.
People who’ve done people-pleasing healing work sometimes swing too far the other way. They’ve been so controlled by others’ needs for so long that any awareness of those needs feels like backsliding.
The goal was to stop abandoning yourself in service of their comfort.
Reading the room asks: Can you hold both at the same time?
Can you be fully yourself and still notice what’s happening around you?
Can you express authentically and still choose when, how, and how much?
That’s the skill. And the self-development world has lost it in its rush to celebrate unfiltered self-expression as the highest form of authenticity.
The Difference It Makes
When you can read the room, you stop performing authenticity and start living it.
You’re not walking around worried about whether you’re being too much or not enough. You’re present. You’re observing. You’re responding to what’s actually in front of you.
You become someone people want to be around. Because you’re actually with them. You’re there. You’re contributing to the space in a way that makes the space better.
And the funny, maybe counter-intuitive thing is:that skill makes you more yourself.
Because presence is the foundation of everything else.
You can’t read the room if you’re performing. You can’t sense what’s needed if you’re following a script. You can’t contribute meaningfully if you’re not actually there.
Reading the room requires you to show up fully and then decide, moment by moment, how that fullness expresses itself.
Mastery.
If this landed differently than you expected, you’re not alone. Most of the Reiki practitioners and energy workers I teach have been told that any awareness of others’ energy is a sign they haven’t healed their people-pleasing patterns yet. Presence and discernment can coexist. If you want to learn how, that’s exactly what I teach.
Free Resources:
🔹 Join my free Skool community “Beyond Reiki” for ongoing support and monthly group healing sessions
🔹 Free Energy Check-In to discover your own Energy Pattern that changes everything during your sessions
🔹Do you ever doubt your own intuitive insights? Then this video is for you.Learn from me:
🔹 The EMPOW Energy Healing Programme — Learn the full diagnostic system, including how to identify and clear all 23 energy block types (12-month programme, Skool Premium membership $149/month, cancel anytime)Work with me
🔹 Energy Reading & Block Clearing Session — Complete aura analysis identifying your specific blocks, including role blocks (60 minutes)
🔹 Revamped Habit & Belief Clearing Package — 3-session intensive to clear the energetic patterns keeping you stuck in old loops like role blocks, procrastination, self-doubt, self-sabotage, addicition
🔹 Birth Imprint Transformation — My signature 3-session package clearing the earliest patterns formed during your birth experience (limited availability)